


let the love tear us apart

by goodnightmoon



Category: Baseball RPF
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Infidelity, M/M, only a little bit of angst, whoa that's a tag!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-04-30 09:23:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5158562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodnightmoon/pseuds/goodnightmoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan and Luke reflect on their 2015 season.</p>
            </blockquote>





	let the love tear us apart

**Author's Note:**

> this was originally supposed to be less than 200 words. and just fluff. so idk what happened tbh but it was fun. also all of the games mentioned are what actually happened so that's cool :) 
> 
> (title is from let's dance to joy division by the wombats)

_**November**_  

So this was the culmination of everything, everything being the season, their friendship, and their _status_ , their relationship, their all: standing a few people apart, hardly looking at each other, on a hot day in November with 800,000 people’s eyes focused on where they stood, some of those people their wives and kids.

Ryan ached for the feel of Luke’s hand in his.

 ** _March_**  

“Hey, I’m Hoch.”

They’d just ended a side session, the rain making them quit early. They were in the clubhouse, listening to the thunder shake the fields. Luke was sticking his hand out, waiting for Ryan to shake it.

So he did. “I’m Madson,” he said. “You can call me Ryan, though.”

It was the second day of spring training, people were still introducing themselves to the new guys. Ryan had been introduced to most of the probable opening day roster, and although he wasn’t a lock as of yet, they all treated him as if he were.

He prided himself on determining what type of a person someone was, just by their face. And as he made small talk with Hoch, his only thought was that he liked this guy’s… him.

_**April**_  

“Hey, Hoch,” said Ryan, nudging him with his shoulder, “why was the skeleton sad?”

Knowing it was coming, but not knowing exactly when it would, it came as a bit of a shock to them when, in the middle of April, it was announced Hoch would be going up to Omaha to begin his rehab.

Hoch scoffed and looked away, struggling to swallow. His voice was shaky. “Why?”

Ryan willed his smile to get bigger. “Because he was  _bonely_.”

Rolling his eyes, Hoch rubbed at them, too, getting his hands wet. “You’re an idiot.”

Ryan’s throat swelled, so he gave up on words. He just bit his lip, restrained himself from touching the other man.

_**May**_  

“Luke Hochev-” Ryan was interrupted by a giant mass of hair and muscle wrapping him into a bear hug. He slowly let down his arms to rest on Hoch’s back.

After a moment of silence, just breathing together, Ryan spoke. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too,” Luke replied, pulling away. “A lot, man. A lot.” They kept their hands on each other for another couple moments before other players came over to welcome Hoch back from AAA.

_**June**_  

“Ryan, hey, my kids wanna meet you.” Luke grabbed Ryan’s hand and led him through the crowd of players and their families in the lobby to his wife Ashley, his little girls, Lainey and Lucy.

After letting go of Luke’s hand, Ryan got down on the girls’ level and cooed at them, shook their hands.

“Are you a real superhero?” Lainey asked, while Lucy grabbed at his ears.

“What do you mean?” he said. He tried distracting Lucy, poking at her belly.

“My dad says you’re like Superman,” said Lainey. “And Batman, but I like Superman better.”

In response, Ryan glanced up at Luke, who seemed in deep conversation with his wife.

He turned back to Lainey. 

“I think your dad is like Superman,” he said. She appeared content with that answer. He stood back up, with Lucy on his hip, and when Luke glanced at him, Luke’s lips parted and his tongue got heavy and his eyes widened a little and he couldn’t breathe and -

“Honey? You okay?” Ashley asked, looking at her husband. He tore his eyes away from Ryan and looked down at his wife.

“Yeah,” he said, deliberate. “Of course.”

“Okay, you just seemed a little off there,” she said, taking her daughter from Madson. “Anywho. Ryan, where’s Sarah and the kids?”

Ryan held Luke’s gaze, and had to make himself look at Ashley. “Oh, they’re on their way. We’re gonna go to dinner, Olive Garden, probably. What are you guys doing?”

“I don’t think we have any plans, actually,” she said. Lucy was calm now, just leaning on her mom’s shoulder, staring at Ryan.

“Oh, you guys should come, then!” he said, smiling.

“Well, if you guys wouldn’t mind - what do you think, babe?”

“Yeah,” Luke said too quickly, his focus back on Ryan. “Yeah, that sounds good.”

Luke could swear Ryan’s eyes got brighter.

“Okay,” said Ryan. “Okay.”

_**July**_  

It was a tough loss. Ryan had coughed up the 6-3 lead in the 6th, and they ended up losing on a walk off.

While he’d done his best to comfort him from across the field after Herrera came in, Luke came over to his locker after showers, after media had come and gone.

“Hey, Maddog -”

“Don’t call me that.”

Luke put his hand on Ryan’s bare shoulder, and Ryan turned partly, jaw set tightly.

“Ryan.” His thumb started stroking, sending goosebumps all along Ryan’s skin. “I was wondering if you wanted to come up to my room when we got back to the hotel.”

Ryan took a deep breath and licked his lips. “Yeah, alright,” he said, getting his shirt from his locker. Luke’s hand slid off his shoulder.

“10 o’clock?” he asked.

Ryan simply nodded, pulling his shirt over his head.

Luke was glad Ryan hadn’t asked why, because he hardly knew, himself.

10 o’clock rolled around, and Luke was sitting on the bed in his room, a few beers on the desk and the TV on, but muted. He’d avoided any sports channels, as they were only talking about the Jays.

He got up when he heard a soft knock at the door. On the other side was Ryan, in his flannel pajama bottoms and his generic  _Fruit of the Loom_  t-shirt. They greeted each other with hand gestures: Ryan scratching the back of his neck, and Luke sweeping him in.

Ryan stood awkwardly in the middle of the room. He nodded toward the beer. “Can I?”

Luke hummed his yes, and reached for one himself.

20 minutes later, and the bottles sat on the desk, empty and glistening in the light. Luke and Ryan were on the foot of the bed, a little bit tipsy, a little bit tired.

They were talking, telling each other the worst jokes they could think of, and laughing the hardest every time. Then Luke rested his head on Ryan’s chest for a brief moment. He came up still grinning, but Ryan’s expression had changed, from a stupid, alcohol smile to a quiet, happy one. 

“What?” asked Luke.

“You,” replied Ryan.

“Yeah, I’m me,” he said.

“And I like you.”

“Well, I like you too.”

They burst out laughing, not knowing why.

“Do you wanna kiss?” Luke asked.

_Wait. What?_

Had he really asked that?

And, _god_ , why did he sound like a first grader talking to his crush on the playground?

“Can I?” Ryan asked, getting closer.

Luke just nodded, too struck for words.

So Ryan leaned in and kissed him. And through the beer, through the stupidity, Luke tasted Ryan, and he loved it.

As the kiss got deeper, they clung to each other, pulling each other closer although that couldn’t happen, and fell back on the bed.

Ryan woke up before Luke did. The sunlight was glaring in, the TV was still on, and they were naked and pressed up against each other. Dried come was on his stomach, the sheets. He remembered laughing.

As he gazed on the face of a sleeping Luke, he resisted the urge to kiss him. He’d been curled up into Ryan’s chest, which was kind of hard for someone who was 6’5”. Ryan took his hand off Luke’s back as gently as he could and slipped off the bed, into the bathroom to at least clean up a little, get his underwear on.

When he came out, Luke was sat up, rubbing his face.

“You’re staying, right?” he asked. Ryan saw him swallow hard.

A beat passed. “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I’m staying.”

Luke smiled and slapped the bed beside him. “Get back over here, then, and bring the menu, I’m starving.”

_**August**_  

“Hey, Hoch.”

The night after Ryan and Luke’s 6th time with lube and a condom, they were sat on opposite ends of the bullpen bench. Luke was lost as to why, and Ryan didn’t help matters.

Young was next to him.

“Hey, C.Y., what’s up?”

They talked about nothing substantial, and after it ended, neither made any attempt to keep it going.

Luke got into the game later, and instead of leaving to an encouraging slap on the ass from Ryan, he left to a few words of encouragement from some of the other guys.

He confronted Ryan in the clubhouse, after the win. 

“What the fuck was that?”

That night’s music selection pounded in their ears.

“What are you talking about?” Ryan was  _too_  calm.

Luke stressed every syllable. “You know what I’m talking about,  _Madson_.”

Ryan flinched.

“Why have you been avoiding me?” Luke continued, keeping his arms crossed. “Because if I did something - goddamn it, tell me.”

Ryan sighed, put his head in his hand. “No, Luke, it’s not you -”

“Are you gonna spew the  _it’s not you it’s me_  bullshit now?” Luke scoffed.

“Well, because it’s fucking -” Ryan broke off, his voice too loud. “Because it’s true,” he finished. He turned away.

Luke faltered a little, thinking about turning away to let whatever it was pass - it's not like they hadn't fought before - but with another sigh from Ryan, changed his mind.

“Care to explain?” he asked, tapping his fingers against the wall.

Groaning, Ryan squeezed his eyes shut and held the bridge of his nose.

Luke didn’t care about being quiet anymore. “Well?”

“I love you.”

Luke’s face dropped all emotion, and it was as if Ryan gained them. He was pale and his eyes were dark and wet and his mouth was open and his lips were trembling. His voice had been biting, but it had been soft, and it had been full and it had been hollow. It reminded Luke of the way Ryan would say his name during sex, after Luke had come and as he was working Ryan to the edge.

Before Luke could reply, Ryan was gone.

Ashley wasn’t sure why her husband wouldn’t come out of the bathroom for the longest time. She wasn’t sure why, when he did, he just wanted to go to bed.

The day after was a travel day. This didn’t give them a lot of time to disappear from each other, but, really, Luke didn’t need that much time to think about it. Ryan preferred not to think about it at all.

They arrived at their hotel without incident. Luke had done his best not to look agitated during the plane ride, but Ryan had done his best to keep by himself in the back and sleep.

Luke had planned to make it his mission to seek out Ryan’s room. He was planning to make an adventure out of it, truthfully. But as he walked down the hall to his room, he saw Ryan take the room 2 doors down, and decided he’d have to be content with the easy way.

Luke threw on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, breathed in the mirror a few times, then left the comfort of his room for the hallway. He was in room 204.

He knocked on room 206.

When Ryan opened the door, Luke grabbed him and he kissed him. He kissed him and he pushed him toward the opposite wall and the door swung shut and hardly after a moment Ryan grabbed him back, kissed him back, and they stumbled to the ground in front of the bed, but they didn’t care enough to stop. They only stopped when Luke sat up.

“I love you, too,” he said.

The clock ticked another minute. “What?” Ryan asked.

_**September**_  

They were sat next to each other on the dugout bench during the spring training replay, the day after they’d won the central.

Ryan toyed with his bracelet, then glanced down at Luke’s, the matching one, and smiled. They’d picked them out online. They weren’t anything fancy, just a bead on a leather string. Ryan’s was blue. Luke’s was green. Ryan loved green.

They’d discussed _it_. Because, after all, they were still married. They still loved their kids. They still had jobs to do. Sometimes, when Ryan thought about _it_ , especially late at night, his chest would constrict and Luke would have to breathe with him, in and out, in and out. Sometimes, Luke would talk to him, sometimes he’d hum, other times there’d only be silence. Whichever it was, it was always the right thing.

Sometimes, when he’d have trouble at home, Ryan would just pace along his back balcony and stop thinking at all. It was easier like that.

They’d decided to spend as much time together as possible. They’d decided that, when they were with their families, they’d text each other goodnight and whatever else was on their minds, but they’d stay away from each other until the coast was absolutely clear.

They’d decided to take their kids to the park on days off to give their wives a rest. They’d decided that the room service Italian wasn’t exactly the finest cuisine, but it was good enough to clink wine glasses over.

They hadn’t decided anything about what the off season might bring. They’d decided to cross that bridge when they got there.

**_October_**  

It was mostly a blur, especially after that Monday afternoon in Houston.

A couple nights after that, Ryan decided he liked the mixed taste of champagne and cock.

Luke blamed that home run to Bautista on circumstance; he took responsibility for Ryan’s happiness as he ate him out afterward, though.

“You’ve been so good, baby, so good,” Ryan moaned, three fingers deep inside Luke. Luke shuddered as he held onto Ryan’s neck. They were up 1-0 in the World Series.

They distracted each other from Game 3. Their families in their rooms, they texted about breakfast and how many stars they could see and  _no_ you _go to sleep first_.

It was Game 5, and they won, and they just hugged, kind of making Ryan forget where they were. Luke got the win. Ryan wished he could do more for him.

_**November**_  

And here they were, at the bridge.

After the rally on stage, as they went back to meet their families, as discreetly as he could, Ryan held Luke’s hand. Only for a moment, only with a glance, only with a small smile.

They didn’t know if Ryan was going to be a Royal in 2016. They didn’t know how low they were gonna get after the high of a World Series Championship. They didn’t know how they’d bear the off season.

But perhaps they’d make it work.

And then they were apart.

**Author's Note:**

> less than a week after the Royals win their first World Series in 30 years and I'm already sad about free agents. oh, baseball, thou art a cruel mistress.
> 
> also, madson just strikes me as a punny person. unsure why.
> 
> **edit: also btw lainey's like 4 and lucy's like 1 so lmao that might help one w/ picturing things
> 
> p.s. also !! this was insp'd by their hug after game 5........ it was beautiful. also.......,, madson is literally #44 in oak now..... and ... hoch was #44 in kc ... ngl i cried when i realized


End file.
